Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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