i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
