That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Randomize
