he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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