So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
