An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
