A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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