yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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