i would punch a child for taco bell
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
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Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
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If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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