Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
