I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
