remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
