Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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