this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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