you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
