two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
