Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
