i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
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