My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Randomize
