matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
