I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
