I hate your face
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
