In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
