I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
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