After last night, I could never be a politician.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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