finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
