I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
