Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
