The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
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Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
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I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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