Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Randomize
