Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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