Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
