So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Randomize
