Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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