remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
