She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
