i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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