Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
