Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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