I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
