I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
