we have pet lesbian snakes
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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