he wants to bone in the snuggie
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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