he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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