Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
