Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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