Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
