so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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