I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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