a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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