my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
