I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Randomize
