Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
