I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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