how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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