At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
