I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
