Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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