dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
